Can I Get A Table For One Please?

Solitude is often stigmatised with loneliness and carry a negative connotation. People tend to associate people who are alone either have poor relationships with people or they’re introverts who are too shy to socialize. Is it true? Maybe to a certain extent, but in my opinion, being alone is a choice. You can be surrounded by people but still feel lonely; you can also be alone without feeling lonely.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, dare to follow your heart and intuition.” – Steve Jobs

When did I start to enjoy solitude? It all began when I took a new direction in life. I was trying to get myself out of this endless cycle of feeling unmotivated and unpassionate. I knew that I had to chip away these gloom-ridden thoughts to move forward in life, else I’d be wasting my time not knowing what’s my purpose. So, I spent a decent amount of time being alone, pushed people away from me, and took a break from social media. It was tough, nevertheless it was precisely what I needed. As opposed denying my emotions and distracting myself with more work. I forced myself to feel all the emotions that were piled up internally. I did plenty of internal digging, reflecting, trying to untangle the knots in my head, asking myself questions, trying to reframe my circumstance and visualise how I can turn adversities into opportunities. I realised that it doesn’t matter how much support and help I receive from others because if I don’t walk out of the uneasiness within myself, I will be stuck forever. Nobody can bring me peace, but myself.

“Other people can love you; other people can comfort you, but other people often come and go and if you can’t soothe and reassure yourself in the darkest loneliest hour, nobody can”- Elizabeth Gilbert

The beauty of being alone

1. Self-discovery

Being alone allows you to become more introspective. In a world with a lot of noise, it can be distracting to think about what you want to achieve in life and the direction you want to embark. When you’re alone, you’re making yourself the centre of attraction, there’s nobody you need to think of. Hence, you are more likely to figure out what matters to you, find out what are your values in life, and acknowledge the things that are hindering you from your success. It forces you to befriend yourself, be vulnerable with yourself and be brutally honest with yourself. Aloneness allows you to honour your feelings instead of bottling up your emotions which may wreak havoc on the system in the future. When you understand yourself better, you will come to peace with yourself and be more grounded. Instead of fighting reality, you will learn to accept and move on. The better you understand yourself, the better you get at staying authentic and being true to yourself.

"Be the anchor of your ship. If the anchor is set, no matter how strong the wind blows or how strong the waves are, you will only sway in the contained circumference. You won’t go off the distance." -Rowena Tsai

2. You no longer seek validation and approval from others

How often do you compare yourself to others thinking about how your life could be better if you were prettier/more handsome or if you were more intelligent or if you were skinnier/fitter or if you were richer etc. I used to measure myself by my appearance, I was obsessed with the idea of looking good and I would do anything to look a certain way even if my health was at stake. I used to think that if I look a certain way, I will be more likeable. I was relentlessly trying to please others. Aloneness has helped me to find space to fit in what matters for me, and not everyone else. I comprehended that my desire of seeking acceptance, validation and approval from others stem from me not accepting myself. I was trying to fill the void with others’ approval. Aloneness has helped me to discover my values and my priorities. I asked myself questions like: “Is this the impression I want people to have?”, “What do I care about?”, “Who do I want to be?” Answering these questions truthfully have helped me to see the light I am so much more than just my appearance. I learned to embrace my flaws and be kinder to myself. I no longer feed into what people think of me.

"If you persistently seek validation from others, you will inadvertently invalidate your self-worth." – Dodinsky

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3. You respect yourself, you know your self-worth

At one time or another, we have all been betrayed by someone we trusted; we have unexpectedly been cut off by someone who we thought was important to us; we have been discarded after being taken advantage of. As sad as it sounds, people aren’t always going to be there for you, people leave and go, but you know you have yourself unfailingly. Being alone has helped me to respect myself and established a sense of self-worth. I became less anxious about losing someone, less fearful of being hurt or betrayed by people because I know that I am capable of living on my own. I feel empowered that I can do things independently and I am comfortable to be in my own company. Instead of allowing others to control my happiness, I take charge of my happiness. Aloneness frees me from the need to chase others, the need to please others to prevent losing them. It has taught me to reject instead of saying yes to everything out of obligation. I learn to lean back, let things happen naturally without rushing or forcing anything because at the end of the day whatever that is destined to be will be. It has taught me to prioritise myself instead of running after people to prove my worth. If I don’t feel comfortable in the social setting, I will leave. If the company no longer sparks joy and there is a lack of connection, I will pull myself away. I acknowledge that I am better off being alone than being trapped in a situation with people who isn’t a great fit for me. I learned to stand up for myself and defend myself against others taking inappropriate advantage of me.

"You have to find peace with whoever comes and goes from your life. Don’t be the only one putting in the effort, you will end up losing yourself trying to save everyone else." – The Female Hustlers

4. You are more capable of loving

We have all heard of this famous saying “to love others, you must first love yourself”. I didn’t fully understand it until I reflected thoroughly. I remember I used to beat myself up and criticise myself when I hear other people’s successes. Instead of celebrating their victories, I was manifesting resentment and jealousy internally. I was this selfish devil that was constantly trying to compete with others to feel better about myself. It is not until I reached a state of peace with myself when I embrace my flaws and accept myself that I stop treating everything as a competition. Instead of constantly comparing myself to others and trying to win the competition, I recognise that everybody has their paths. Everybody has sacrificed and put in an enormous amount of effort to be where they are today. Accepting myself and being less critical on myself has enabled me to support others more. I can congratulate and celebrate my friends’ achievements from the bottom of my heart and not taking things personally. I noticed that once I became comfortable with myself, I can see and learn the good in everybody, and not let trivial things hold me down. Accept that I am not as intelligent as her, but that doesn’t mean I’m flawed. Accept that I am not as pretty as her, but that doesn’t mean I am not enough. Accept that I am not as successful as her right now but that doesn’t mean I won’t succeed in the future. When you can accept yourself, forgive yourself, and come to terms with your flaws. You are less likely to be jealous of someone. You’d put the energy into things to help heal yourself and improve yourself instead of constantly punishing yourself with negative talk and living in bitterness and resentment.

“Everyone wants to see the flaws of another person because we want to see glimpses of our insecurities in them. We want to know we're not the only ones”- Lili Reinhart

“To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest act of daring greatly” - Brene Brown