The Beauty of Empathy

Empathy – a rather complex word that is usually misinterpreted and muddled up with various opinions. From my point of view, empathy is the understanding and sharing of emotional connection as well as taking the perspective of the other person without our own interpretations. It is not as simple as standing in somebody else’s shoes. It is the conscientious struggle to try to understand what it is like to be in their shoes. It requires compassionate and non-judgmental communication to try to understand what they are feeling. People used to think empathy was something that we were born with or without, that we were kind of stuck with whether we were, or we were not. However, we are born with this ability of vicariously caring about other people’s experiences. We just need to ferret out that hidden ability of ours instead of tucking it away. Here are some of my tips to be a more empathetic person: 1. Listen with intention Pay attention to what they are telling you. It takes a lot of courage for someone to open up and to share what they are going through. Let them have their time to declutter their thoughts and voice out their feelings that they have been suppressing. Do not try to complete their sentences or interrupt them in any way. Observe the person’s tone of voice, facial expressions and body languages. This will change how you hear what they are saying. For example, the crack in someone’s voice who is about to cry, the edge in someone’s voice who is about to get infuriated, the rapid blinking when someone is in distress. Some people will try to mask their feelings and insecurities but subconsciously our emotions are constantly leaking. Although some people’s emotions are more concealed than others, but with careful looking we can hear and see their emotions. As important as it is to concentrate on the other person’s facial gestures and body language, remember to pay attention to our own facial gestures and body language too. Use eye contact to show your engagement during the conversation. Sincere eye contact and nodding can make the other person feel heard. When they feel comforted and reassured, they are more willing to feel vulnerable and to express their true feelings, hence deeper conversation will blossom. 2. Silence Silence offers empathy and understanding to others. Sometimes people who are going through difficult patches of their lives want company. We can show them we care about them by being there for them physically without the need to speak. Of course, it has to depend on the proximity of your relationship with the other person. When we do not have a close relationship, silence can be awkward and there are occasional lapses of silence in the conversation that we will feel the need to fill. However, if you guys are strongly bonded and have a profound relationship, let silence take the lead. Sometimes silence offers more empathy and understanding to someone who is struggling since words may or may not sufficiently express your thoughts and feelings. Accompany them, giving them the time they need to think for themselves and to process their thoughts.

“Another time when silence is golden is when you are unsure of what to say. If you are confused about your own feelings concerning a matter, it is best to stay quiet until you are more certain because more harm can be done by revealing false or exaggerated feelings.” – Lao Tzu

3. Guide them, not tell them Remember your role is not to give unprompted advice and definitely not to fix their problems. Your goal is not to provide answers and solutions but instead to unveil the solutions that they already have. Your role is to empower them, reassure them and to shed light in darkness. Instead of offering solutions and saying discourteous things like “You just need to pull it together,” or “You just need to move on,”, be gentle and encourage them to find the strength to move forward. We are all adults; we know how we should handle things and what mindset we should have. We are constantly exposed to positive and inspirational life quotes. We just need some time to digest all those confusing thoughts and speak out especially when our shoulder and heart are both tremendously heavy. Acknowledge how hard it is for them going through rough patch, remind them that you will be there for them. 4. Do not make assumptions Refrain from making assumptions. We all know the modern proverb: "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me." People’s emotions and state of mind will push them to say certain things that might not be logical or accurate. Instead of assuming and writing your own narrative, try to understand deeper where they are coming from and by imagining yourself living through those experiences. Regrettably, I used to get annoyed when I do not understand why some people get upset and cry over trivial things. I would think that person is using misery to mill sympathy or fabricating sadness to gain attention. The more I practice self-reflection, the more compassionate I become and the better I become at standing in someone else’s shoes. Just because that person cries over the matter you deemed as insignificant, it might have played a remarkable impact on her. Every person has their own set of beliefs, values and perspectives that shape their point of view. Their response to problems is moulded by the way they were brought up; their way of thinking is shaped by their experiences. So, the next time you see someone getting riled up over little things, turn off that judgemental mindset of yours, be kind and offer help in return. 5. Try to look from their perspectives People speak to you in the same way they speak to themselves. If someone you know is judging you harshly, know that it is probably because they judge themselves harshly too. When people are feeling down, unhappy, lost and disconnected from themselves and the world around them, that is when they begin to project their own darkness onto the people they interact with, that is when they start judging the world around them. Instead of getting offended and lashing out at others. Take a moment to think about how you should respond. Do not let your emotions cloud your judgment and say things out of anger that you might regret later. Perhaps they are having a bad they and they are just trying to expel the darkness within. Do not dismiss somebody who disagrees with you but try to figure out why they feel the way they do even when ignoring them feels easier. Try to relate to another person’s feelings by reflecting on similar circumstances that you have been through. It is only when we fully understand, we will be able to see the full picture and the story behind the veil. 6. Be willing to be the recipient of empathy

"There are many systems of interaction between brain, body and social world that can get caught in positive feedback loops. When we feel miserable and gloomy, we start feeling useless and burdensome. Then we withdraw from contact with friends and family. Then the withdrawal makes us feel detached and insignificant which makes us withdraw more thinking how insignificant we are, and nobody cares about us. This depression spirals and amplifies."- Mark Manson

All of us have had this moment where we are frustrated because we think nobody understands us. When you feel sad, you isolate yourself from others rather than reaching out for help simply because you do not want to be a burden to anyone. You do not want to make people feel stressed especially people who are not great at comforting others, they might be anxious as they are afraid their words might hurt you even more when you are like a balloon that can pop anytime. However, the beauty of empathy can only be enhanced when it is co-created. It is when one is willing to not only give but also to receive empathy. When we have both the abilities to share to and understand what other people are going through, only then we will reach the deepest level of connection. As much as I hate reaching out to people, there are certain days where I took the guts to share my problems with people I value. I am glad they were always very understanding and helped me to pull myself out of the darkness. The next time you feel that people will not understand your feelings, people will judge you and all that negative talk you put into dismissing and refusing help, try lowering these safeguarding walls that prevent you to have an emotionally intimate relationship with the other person. Take the courage to open up to people who you trust dearly, start from your family members and your close friends. Empathy shapes the way we see everything as well as the way we communicate with each other. When we cultivate empathy, we enlarge our capacity to love to forgive, to be accepting. Practice empathy and turn it into a habit, we are all empathetic creatures that are capable of showing love and appreciation to everyone around us. Lastly, I just want you to know that you are important, and you deserve all the love and respect in this world. Whatever you are going through right now, you are not alone. Millions of other people have had it in the past, have it now, and/are going to have it in the future. I hope you treat yourself better and take care of yourself the same way you would take care of the people you value and love. Thank you so much for reading, I hope this post has benefited you even in the slightest way. Sending virtual hugs to you guys! :)